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The luscious list of 5ives you seek could not be found, per se

It’s almost certainly here someplace--but this is all really our fault, having affected this fancy redesign. We couldn't be sorrier. Truly.

Let’s play Buddhist and just start with the present.

Or if you're a "reader," you can peruse these--all the 5ives we've ever posted. Just look at 'em all! Pretty crazy, eh?

  • Five rejected names for a single-serving meal product
  • Five ways to leverage the mobile thinkosphere
  • Five “Web 2.0″ ways to break up with your boyfriend
  • Five terrible fake astronomical pickup lines
  • Five rejected names for “Cooter” on The Dukes of Hazzard
  • Five fake names I keep waiting for an opportunity to use
  • Five cues that Robert Plant is ready to have sexual intercourse with you
  • Five more terrible fake reality TV shows
  • Five subtle changes in the event that Microsoft acquires Yahoo!
  • Five names you can belch
  • Five ways Angelina Jolie can quickly acquire more children
  • Five ways you’re unleashing the power of your blog
  • Five terrible fake Sylvester Stallone franchise revivals
  • Five presentation tips for delivering your Internet Manifesto
  • Five terrible fake names for villages in England
  • Five historical blog posts
  • Five surprising things George Washington Carver made from peanuts
  • Five legal concepts I’m pretty sure I first learned from watching The People’s Court
  • Five more terrible fake euphemisms for defecating (based on The Godfather series)
  • Five things I still don’t really understand
  • Five more Halloween costumes your sorority sisters are considering
  • Five pieces of fiction I’d enjoy hearing Wilford Brimley read aloud to me
  • Five rejected Spice Girl personalities
  • Five phrases I often find disorienting
  • Five Senators or Representatives whom I wish would become partners in a law firm (just for the awesome letterhead)
  • Five songs I’d love to hear a couple use for the first dance at their wedding reception
  • Five products on whose label Rachael Ray will eventually be featured, grinning maniacally
  • Five titles you shouldn’t be allowed to give yourself
  • Five things you might do with “all that ass”
  • Five things of which I will never tire
  • Five douchebag power tools
  • Five terrible fake reality TV shows
  • Five Flickr sets that aren’t driving the long-term traffic you’d hoped for
  • Five musical embellishments that should be used in moderation
  • Five creatures I would depict interacting with one other if I ran a “Creationism Museum”
  • Five songs to which I have a very clear recollection of french kissing in the 1980s
  • Five tastes of childhood with which I’ve recently and happily re-acquainted myself
  • Five nouns from which it can be difficult to scrub the scent of utter bullshit
  • Five Flickr comments left on the latest self-portrait of you staring slightly off-camera with your mouth open
  • Five things, besides “your ride,” that you might wish to “pimp”
  • Five early 80s albums that are better than you probably remember
  • Five songs I’d enjoy hearing Tom Waits cover
  • Five recent makebelieve Canadian girlfriends
  • Five favorite Hee Haw performers
  • Five hip-hop pseudonyms I’ve considered for myself
  • Five nouns to which I enjoy prepending an unnecessary definite article
  • Five potentially novel new year’s resolutions
  • Five nicknames I would find unbearable
  • Five favorite words I learned last year
  • Five albums I was listening to when I moved to San Francisco (seven years ago today)
  • Five ideas I’ve had for family theme restaurants
  • Five Halloween safety tips
  • Five owners of ambitious combovers
  • Five terrible fake pledge-week specials on PBS
  • Five phrases you may substitute if you are intimidated by overt swearing
  • Five possible signs your congressman thinks your teenaged son is hot
  • Five things you did while MySpace was down
  • Five groups, apart from “women and children,” who should get to leave a sinking ship first
  • Five persons who will eventually appear in every rock documentary
  • Five excellent Iron Maiden songs (and what each is ostensibly about)
  • Five things I’ll bet can be hard for pirates
  • Five people who are much more enjoyable if you imagine them as pro wrestlers
  • Five markings I think I’d enjoy having on my grave
  • Five TV shows I’ll bet you don’t remember
  • Five injustices you bravely suffer
  • Five kitchen tools that sound kind of dirty
  • Five possible meanings of that Kanji tattoo you can’t read
  • Five terrible fake scripts from a notional fourth season of Gilligan’s Island
  • Five amazing high-hat parts
  • Five things, besides lying, that Shakira’s hips don’t do
  • Five terrible fake Spears family parenting lapses
  • Five songs I wish would become popular drunken singalongs at sporting events
  • Five terrible fake David Blaine endurance stunts
  • Five phrases I wish I had occasion to use more often
  • Five things you probably don’t need to be carrying all the time
  • Five things I wish I could get more into
  • Five suggested Flickr tags
  • Five periodicals I loved in the 90s
  • Five amazing Beatles bridges
  • Five ubiquitous anatomical embellishments from which I could use a break
  • Five terrible fake Morrissey songs
  • Five modifiers you might have intended when you just said “literally”
  • Five places where the burnouts would hang out and smoke in junior high
  • Five things that make me smile
  • Five songs I sometimes listen to on repeat for 20 minutes
  • Five composers I’m glad never had to hear their work performed primarily as ear-screeching ringtones
  • Five things I currently have no intention of doing
  • Five things that aren’t particularly helping my nascent dharma practice
  • Five songs I’ve completely obsessed over
  • Five terrible fake “Morning Zoo” teams
  • Five candidates Madeline has repeatedly vetoed to be “our song”
  • Five things I had to keep explaining to the guy at REI
  • Five places I’ve had my hair cut
  • Five good things to absorb while you’re still young
  • Five reasons the terrorists hate us (apart from “our freedom”)
  • Five decidedly un-super supergroups
  • Five things you can bring along to help make the party all about you
  • Five people I’d love to observe trying to have dinner together
  • Five more excellent public radio names
  • Five works I adore by artists I otherwise don’t care for
  • Five people I’m told I impersonate badly
  • Five things it’s worth paying a little extra for
  • Five notional movies that might not have gone over as well with fundamentalists
  • Five ways to get on the del.icio.us home page
  • Five terrible fake entrees from the dotcom era
  • Five ways your histrionic anti-abortion friend might refer to a fetus
  • Five people of whom I confess to being a bit weary
  • Five things (besides a television) that you could constantly remind people you won’t use
  • Five rules of thumb
  • Five more things Pat Robertson needs you to pray on
  • Five They Might Be Giants songs I often find myself singing
  • Five thoughts on who “they” might be
  • Five favorite guitar chords
  • Five rules from the NPR drinking game
  • Five bands I’m sorry I never got to see live
  • Five terrible fake non-fiction bestsellers
  • Five favorite new wave drummers
  • Five terrible fake secrets about Seals & Crofts
  • Five things I have read repeatedly in the bathroom
  • Five beverages I haven’t drunk very often since college
  • Five Halloween costumes your sorority sisters are considering
  • Five user icons
  • Five badass jewish men
  • Five terrible fake Dickens characters
  • Five things that killed your party
  • Five excellent words
  • Five revelations from Rene Descartes’ LiveJournal
  • Five things TSA says it’s officially okay for you to carry-on
  • Five terrible fake names for your new massage parlor
  • Five things I’d ask every Supreme Court nominee if I sat on the Senate Judiciary Committee
  • Five things I’m really starting to miss
  • Five terrible fake names for your new Irish pub
  • Five excellent New Orleans icons
  • Five pet peeves about eating out with Ayn Rand
  • Five (presumably) untapped topics of slash fiction
  • Five California cities that sound kind of dirty
  • Five terrible fake ideas for a retro TV comeback
  • Five terrible fake 60’s dance crazes
  • Five country singers whose name I’d consider giving to a beloved family pet
  • Five excellent TV girlfriends
  • Five modest lifestyle adjustments at Neverland Ranch
  • Five subtle editorial changes at PBS
  • Five favorite power pop songs right now
  • Five things I wish I could have talked out of my ass about on a weblog when I was in college
  • Five things people I knew in high school swore they’d do on their 18th birthday
  • Five places they seem to keep finding semen on “C.S.I.”
  • Five favorite singers (who kind of don’t really sing)
  • Five fake urban myths I’d like you to earnestly share with your friends and colleagues
  • Five things I’d like to see engraved on little rubber bracelets
  • Five favorite spoodely-spoodely guitar solos
  • Five words Madeline would just as soon I stopped using for a while
  • Five ways to save The O.C.
  • Five most punchable characters in Pretty in Pink
  • Five things the yuppie on the Harley doesn’t want you to know
  • Five mid-life career changes I’d consider
  • Five places I was turned down for dates
  • Five terrible fake items from the Sky Mall catalog
  • Five things for which it’s probably okay not to have a strong brand preference
  • Five ineffective responses to bullies
  • Five non-standard spellings of “weblog” (and where I’d like to see each used)
  • Five terrible fake novelty drink names at that one bar near campus
  • Five things for which I sheepishly confess my dopey affection
  • Five terrible fake congressional honorifics
  • Five people with whom to never start a conversation on MUNI
  • Five terrible fake albums by a girly-voiced singer/songwriter
  • Five actors I prefer not to visualize having intercourse
  • Five terrible fake names for a scratch-off lottery ticket series
  • Five things you don’t want to hear from someone emerging from a bathroom after 35 minutes
  • Five congressional terms that sound kind of dirty
  • Five things I suspect I’m not supposed to think about when watching those bands with messy hair who sound like Joy Division
  • Five total scams in high school
  • Five terrible fake LiveJournal memes
  • Five items on which a sticker of Calvin has not, to my knowledge, peed
  • Five terrible fake positions not actually held by Michael Crichton
  • Five inevitabilities I find exhausting
  • Five things I fear I might do if I were a ten-foot-tall monster with metal claws, laser beam eyes, and razor-sharp fangs
  • Five stories the mainstream media missed last year
  • Five terrible fake Anne Geddes photo shoots
  • Five more slightly misleading revelations of federally-funded abstinence programs
  • Five people it’d probably be fun to go swimsuit shopping with
  • Five descriptions that arose while boot shopping with Madeline on Monday
  • Five songs I’d love to hear performed by a competent junior high marching band
  • Five possible career moves for John Ashcroft
  • Five terrible fake articles in Waaaaa!, the notional magazine for hipster Noe Valley mothers
  • Five favorite guitar players right now
  • Five subject lines from recent spams that would also make good titles for Guided by Voices songs
  • Five power tools of the unintentionally creepy guy
  • Five stage names I’d consider if I ever became a singing drag queen
  • Five favorite drummers right now
  • Five cats who hated me
  • Five random thoughts on sunglasses
  • Five locations where nearly all my dreams take place
  • Five bands I don’t think I’m enjoying as much as I’m supposed to
  • Five things I suppose you could do to “the vote” if you ever tire of “rocking” it
  • Five companies I suspect I may be the bitch of
  • Five skills I’ve allowed to badly atrophy over the years
  • Five things it’s probably better not to do when you’re kind of drunk
  • Five computer technologies I could really use in my physical office
  • Five people whose death I wish I could have somberly mourned with an austere, one-line weblog post
  • Five things it would probably be disingenuous for me to rap about
  • Five people I’m pretty sure could take me in a fight
  • Five ass-related words I think I use a lot
  • Five annoyed San Franciscans you’ll meet in heaven
  • Five web widgets I wish I’d invested in last year
  • Five things that are getting under Zell Miller’s hide
  • Five things I learned from watching Metropolis
  • Five things I’ll be doing while you’re at Burning Man
  • Five community or civic groups that just didn’t take
  • Five fun guitars
  • Five tips that comprise everything I know about digital photography
  • Five things I’d like to see corner drug dealers suddenly start selling
  • Five dotcom terms that still make me cringe
  • Five memorable childhood pills
  • Five favorite rumors of my childhood
  • Five terrible fake Eve Ensler plays
  • Five things I find kind of hypnotic
  • Five things you must abandon immediately
  • Five movies I watched multiple times on cable (ca. 1982)
  • Five private contests (and the standing record for each)
  • Five movie firsts
  • Five things I used to look forward to each Autumn
  • Five things that almost always make a song better
  • Five least favorite Magic Kingdom attractions (1970s)
  • Five things whose use by children kind of depresses me
  • Five things in my pediatrician’s waiting room
  • Five favorite Mac programs (ca. 1988)
  • Five favorite Mike Coleman songs
  • Five elementary school smells
  • Five bastardizations of my first name
  • Five foods I’ve never really learned to enjoy
  • Five things that are always funny
  • Five catastrophes that disappointed
  • Five things I enjoy that could reasonably lead you to conclude I’m a 13 year old girl
  • Five annoying San Franciscan habits
  • Five songs I wish I could hear again for the first time
  • Five ways to save our kids from online porn
  • Five films I’ll bet you liked a lot more than I did
  • Five terrible fake fad diets
  • Five punk rock shows (Tampa, 1986)
  • Five objects we used to throw in the french fryer when I worked at McDonald’s (1985)
  • Five favorite 8-tracks
  • Five things I’ve paid to have put on t-shirts
  • Five things I’d rather not talk about
  • Five modes of transportation that will help ensure you never, ever get laid
  • Five unfortunate nicknames for my elementary school teachers
  • Five terrible fake names for your secret treehouse club
  • Five favorite Jimmy Webb songs (and preferred version of each)
  • Five terrible alternative names for the band “The Decemberists”
  • Five epic childhood injuries (and how I got each)
  • Five things I promised Jeni Babcock we’d eat for dinner on our eventual first date (1975)
  • Five terrible fake names for your new streetgang
  • Five children I totally envied (1978)
  • Five terrible fake names for feminine hygiene products
  • Five terrific Left Banke songs (that aren’t “Walk Away, Renee”)
  • Five most popular dishes to bring to Wednesday night church potluck (Cincinnati, OH; 1976)
  • Five good sidekicks
  • Five cultural pronouncements from Chairman Merlin
  • Five things I’d like to see become inexplicably cool amongst urban hipsters
  • Five cultural phenomena that completely passed me by
  • Five things that must be stopped immediately
  • Five books I didn’t understand nearly as well as I thought at the time
  • Five songs I learned on guitar (1983)
  • Five artists who probably should have been discouraged from dancing in their music videos
  • Five songs that continue to haunt me
  • Five terrible fake names for James Bond women
  • Five favorite moments on a given commercial airline flight
  • Five excuses to get you out of work today
  • Five terrrible fake names for kung fu fighting styles
  • Five folksy, context-free catch phrases you are encouraged to spread with friends and co-workers
  • Five people I’d like to see play Jesus in a hastily-devised network TV miniseries
  • Five great things about southern Ohio
  • Five people who never got the chance to opine at length about Gmail
  • Five great 45’s on the jukebox at New College (that I eventually got really sick of) (1989)
  • Five terrible fake AC/DC songs about how hard it is to be in a band
  • Five celebrities I like to imagine working together at a notional pool-cleaning service in L.A.
  • Five games that looked a lot more fun on TV
  • Five things I’d be great at if they ever became Olympic sports
  • Five odd phases I went through
  • Five everyday objects whose replacement strangely buoys me
  • Five cartoon characters I loathe
  • Five things that I’m still pretty suspicious about
  • Five things that seemed totally sexy when I was 15
  • Five songs I loved in college that I’d really like to hear Jimmy Scott cover
  • Five things I learned from watching Under the Tuscan Sun without sound on the in-flight movie
  • Five things that probably aren’t working as well as you think
  • Five more proposed pieces of legislation supported by Mr. Bush
  • Five things my Mom and I particularly like to do together
  • Five favorite public radio names
  • Five things that a portly, scowling, fortyish, white-trash mother needs the teenaged cashier at the Home Depot in Holiday, Florida to understand right now
  • Five sightings around town (New Port Richey, Florida; February, 2004)
  • Five terrible fake secrets about U.S. presidents
  • Five unfortunate Valentine’s Day gifts
  • Five terrible fake names for an aging bluesman
  • Five things that have gotten more complicated than I’d really like
  • Five things I’ve carried in the watch pocket of my Levi’s
  • Five words I’d like to hear the Pope use in everyday conversation
  • Five “Sweeps Week” features coming up on your local late news
  • Five terrible fake names for vibrators
  • Five favorite things on your blog
  • Five least favorite P.E. activities
  • Five 45s I loved (1970s)
  • Five things I’ve considered arbitrarily becoming very opinionated about
  • Five affectations I’ve been considering
  • Five terrible fake names for Greg Kihn albums
  • Five words I choose not to recognize as verbs
  • Five things you could win at the carnival (1983)
  • Five articles of clothing that once gave me joy
  • Five great pieces of housecleaning music
  • Five “Brady Bunch” Characters (and what sometimes make me fear I’m a little like each of them)
  • Five of the best songs Michael Ferguson introduced me to
  • Five possible reasons there’s a stretch limo parked outside
  • Five songs I liked to play on the jukebox at the Pizza Inn (1976-’78)
  • Five terrible fake names for your new pleasure boat
  • Five items banned in accordance with my junior high handbook
  • Five tattoos it’s probably better that I don’t have (and where each would go)
  • Five ill-advised giveaway nights at the ballpark
  • Five controversial performers coming to your local library
  • Five ways I tend to feel after speaking with Sprint’s Customer Service
  • Five odd memories of TV
  • Five observations from my first 25 minutes of yoga
  • Five things I only needed to try once
  • Five fake names for a notional magazine about extreme treadmill exercise
  • Five colleges and why I wanted to attend each
  • Five Terrible Fake Christmas TV Specials
  • Five things I’d like to teach the world this Christmas
  • Five most depressing “Christmas Gifts” for sale at Walgreens
  • Five “celebrities” I need you to stop encouraging
  • Five great reasons to buy a Hummer™
  • Five things I realized later than I probably should have
  • Five resolutions for the new year
  • Five things I probably should not have tried to make on my own
  • Five things I sometimes wish I still had
  • Five cool words I’ve been having trouble working into a normal sentence
  • Five unrelated things I’ve noticed about myself since moving to California in 1999
  • Five things I just can’t get behind for some reason
  • Five things I like more than I want to admit
  • Five fake names I like to give at restaurants
  • Five good responses for telemarketers or collection agencies
  • Five terrible fake names for Michael Jackson’s children
  • Five terrible fake names for failed dotcom design firms
  • Five actors and the roles for which I’d like to see them nominated for an Oscar®
  • Five disturbing fake names for ejaculate
  • Five things that make it hard for me to take you seriously
  • Five wallets I’ve enjoyed
  • Five things you just don’t hear much about anymore
  • Five Records I Listened to on the Way to Work (SF to Menlo Park; February, 2001)
  • Five Hall & Oates songs I often have in my head
  • Five records I listened to after school (1983)
  • Five ideas I had when I was 14
  • Five words that are fun to say in an elaborate Jerry Lewis voice
  • Five terrible fake names for a sensitive singer/songwriter’s album
  • Five terrible fake euphemisms for defecating
  • Five Records I Listened to on the Way to Work (Tallahassee; Summer, 1999)
  • Five (presumably) fake personality tests (and what I think my result would be)
  • Five terrible fake Brian Wilson songs from the mid-70s
  • Five extraordinary food and drink deals within three blocks of our flat
  • Five Celebrities Who Wrote Me Back
  • Five LPs the RCA Music Club Erroneously Sent to My House, 1978
  • Five Actors I Constantly Confuse with One Another
  • Five Things You Might Want to Reconsider
  • Five things Ozzy Osbourne would like you to do for him tonight
  • Five Good Places to be Menaced by Bullies
  • Five terrible fake movies on Lifetime this week (and who each stars)
  • Five things anyone in earshot should legally be permitted to do to a car for as long as its alarm is falsely blaring
  • Five Childhood Taunts or Local Indie Rock Bands
  • Five guesses at the number you’re thinking of right now
  • Five grating things about that chick from Marketing
  • Five phrases I very rarely use
  • Five karmic burdens I’ll be burning off for years
  • Five shitty bands that play the lounge in that hotel near your airport
  • Five donations that, frankly, the food bank has had just about enough of
  • Five terrible names for local retail stores
  • Five good names to call people when you forget their real name
  • Five things and what they should cost
  • Five things to do when you should be looking for a job
  • Five things I owe to Michael N., Andrew H., and all the other kind folks who school me when I break my stupid style sheets
  • Five songs to which, in previous lives, I have, inexplicably, slow-danced with a girl
  • Five songs that always make me do that weird, strutting, Mick Jagger chicken dance
  • Five TV themes for which I often create an impromptu interpretive dance
  • Five Somewhat Novel Compulsions I had at one time or another
  • Five terrible fake names the locals call that one dangerous place outside of town
  • Five requests with regard to my eventual death
  • Five things that make it somewhat obvious I’m not originally from San Francisco
  • Five terrible fake titles for those tiny booklets sold in the supermarket check-out line
  • Five favorite branded characters
  • Five TV Commercials that Haunted Me as a Child
  • Five terrible fake names for James Bond movies
  • Five sports stars I met on May 18, 1979
  • Five odd things my hateful stepfather consumed in large quantities
  • Five celebrities who would really creep me out if I found them sitting in my living room when I got home from the Safeway
  • Five Things Banned by Mr. Marsh, 5th Grade teacher
  • Five Favorite Movies in Seinfeld
  • Five favorite scenes from “COPS”
  • Five animals I had to deal with
  • Five cases where less is more
  • Five quotes I’ve always enjoyed
  • Five restaurants on The Simpsons
  • Five things Walter Hudson reportedly ate for breakfast every day
  • Five favorite SF MUNI lines
  • Five favorite dining utensils
  • Five favorite bands (10th grade)
  • Five things I variously wanted to be as a kid
  • Five TV shows I once lived for
  • Five things I’m glad I didn’t have in high school
  • Five places that make me nervous
  • Five words I suspect have never been used to describe me
  • Five things I hated about working in an office
  • Five things about Elvis
  • Five favorite bible characters
  • Five bad signs about the band onstage
  • Five snapshots from the day pot “took” (1984)
  • Five good dreams
  • Five cassettes from orientation week, 1986
  • Five who wrecked my sexual cosmology
  • Five things I still don’t get
  • Five college roommate situations (by date)
  • Five weird trips
  • Five bad men
  • Five unrequited crushes
  • Five memorable vomits
  • Five things I barely remember
  • Five indignities